CHAPTER V: TOUGHER

THIS IS THE PART I GO...TUMBLR

2011-06-01T19:33:00.003+08:00

Dear Titpiggers,

Sorry for the inconveniences, but i have moved to adgeadrian.tumblr.com. Please follow me there, OK?

The reason for this migration is because i find Tumblr to be very useful. This is to say, i am able to post videos, pictures, audio clips easier as compared to blogspot. Moreover, the editing of the layout is so easy. Since blogspot has served its purpose, being there for me to vent through thick and think, i wouldn't delete this blog.

This also mark a new beginning. Really! I know i have been saying that for quite sometime but, i haven't really see myself through, unfortunately. Part of me is to be blamed for the delay. It's time to embrace this new found newness! I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you for being there for me. It means a lot when you swing by with your snotty little comments and motivation. Thanks for driving me mental and keeping me sane at the same time.

Cheers,
Adrian, Ad, Adge, Addy, Adrie, A
xoxo

THIS IS THE PART I GO...TOUGHER

2011-05-14T22:35:00.003+08:00

It's time to put on the boxing gloves. I need to step up. I need to be tougher. I can no longer afford to be the same person i have been since the beginning of the year. The reason changes are necessary is because of the new found trials and tribulations i've recently discovered. As i am typing this, i am so sad, scared, disappointed, hurt, shocked, and to cut things short, most of what is rippling inside is sheer negativity. The good old feelings i once felt has someone managed to escape like evaporating sweat in a cold room.

Life is full of surprises and it makes me wonder if it's all God's handy work. I know life isn't supposed to be easy. However, the ugliness in life is almost unbearable. I've loved and lost. I've been inspired and (hopefully) inspired. I've failed and picked myself up many many times and yet again. I've succeeded and am blessed. I'm fortunate and thankful to be alive. Will i be able to face reality and deal with it as it gets tougher and tougher??? That remains the million dollar question!

I just learned that something life threatening is present. It's something which will constantly be there. I will be affected. I will have to deal with it. Situations may be complicated in the future. There are a lot of reorganizing and thinking to do. Who knows what hell it's like? I'm sorry to be speaking in codes as i've sworn to secrecy. Can i be that fighter? Am i strong enough to fight it? Will i survive this? I just want to cry. It's just too much sometimes...too much.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...MEDAN

2011-05-07T10:06:00.009+08:00

The view from the balcony of where we were staying.

The Massive Jam of Medan in the town area.

Something we don't see everyday. They call it the Becak...i think.

Last week, i went on a company trip with my colleagues to Medan, Indonesia. Although i hate traveling, the trip was full of fun. I had a great time and i enjoyed every moment of it. Personally, i think the place wasn't that great due to the fact that the roads are bad, there's no city planning, dirty and doggy, humid, and people are just dangerous, especially on the roads. They turn whenever and wherever they want. A one way street becomes a two way street and a single lane can diverge into three lanes. Insane as it is, we survive the haphazardness of Medan.

Out of the city to Lake Toba

Another view for the hill top.

On Lake Toba.

Welcoming the dawn.

As far as food is concerned, i am not one who is picky. However, i can't eat sea food, shell fish to be exact. Other than that i am alright. I've gotten used to eating spicy food. I had their local ice-kacang "Es Teller", their famous "Teh Botol", "Bakso", "Ayam Penyet", "Nasi Soto", "Nasi lemak", and "Satay". Their food is indeed very different from our variety, although some do go by the same name. So, do not be deceived for those of you planning to go there.

The boat ride was deliberating.

I love this part, having fun with my colleagues.

Personally, it wasn't a shopping haven as how others claimed. There were rolls of shops selling materials and textiles, fish, antiques, souvenirs, cakes, etc. In that department, it's all very neat and organized. However, competition is stiff and i don't think it's good for business. To shop in Medan, you have to be able to bargain. Otherwise, the sharks will slaughter you like a puppy. As for the currency, i am still very confused, i go by the reds as in "how many reds do these cost?" I went for manicure and pedicure since i didn't buy anything. It felt so good and my nails are fantastic. It was about an hour and a half. I felt so pampered.

Overall, i'll rate the trip a 6 out of 10. Here are the link to more pictures click here.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...ANNOUNCEMENTS

2011-04-27T09:30:00.006+08:00

Dear Titpiggers,

First and foremost i need to apologize for my M.I.A. status. I have been swirled up the havoc in reality that i abandoned the virtual world. Anyway, since i am half invigilating the exam and half typing this on my i Phone, I can't post any photos to go with this entry. So, do bare with me. The reason I am writing is to make several announcements or shall I say update you guys on the happenings in life, however mundane it may be. LOL!!

1. MEDAN..HERE WE COME
I'll be flying to Medan for the log weekend break in conjunction to the Labour's Day weekend. I'll be departing as early as this coming Friday at 0730 hours with my fellow colleagues. It's an all expense trip which I plan to enjoy. I'll be back on Monday night. I still don't know why we are there for so many days. How I wish we cane back Sunday and have Monday to rest before returning to work on Tuesday.

2. THE LIVING TRUTH
Currently, I'm collaborating with my best friend, Redziz, on a project called "The Living Truth". I can't say much about this project yet as we want to keep it a surprise until it's all done and ready for you guys to see. However, what I can tell you is that both of us are working on every single aspect of it. I'm looking forward to start after my trip. Do check for more updates.

3. 80% SURE
In regards to my acceptance into Ohio University, I think I'm 80% sure of my decision. Hopefully, after the trip I'll inform you off my decision. Apart from Ohio, I'm also 80% sure about the matters if the heart. I know what I want. I know where I am going and I'm going to do what I should have done a while ago. I've just been procrastinating, putting things off hoping for changes to come. Unfortunately, the wait will be over now as I had false expectations & hopes. It's time to close the book and start a new chapter.

4. SCREAM 4 & THE ROOMMATE
I'm a thriller fan and scream has always been my favorite. I watched the fourth installation and I love it. By the way, the original cast is there. Neve Campbell & Courtney Cox anyone?There were times I jumped and the end was just unexpected. I was thinking after the third what else could they possibly come up with. Luckily, the suspense is still there. I enjoyed it. Another flick of the same genre, starring Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester, was yet a thrill to watch. Who knew she had such capability to play a psycho brat??? Hope to see her in more serious roles in the near future!

5. ADDICTION
No, I'm not talking about my smoking. Sorry!! So, please don't go there. Lately, I am addicted to Rihanna's "S&M Remix" featuring Britney Spears. I like the remix better. Man, Britney is really making a comeback. Rumor has it that the "Till The End Of The World Remix? will feature Nicki Minaj & ke$ha. Apart from that, Gaga's "Judas" is a current favorite. Love the tune, the lyrics, the melody. I've just downloaded RuPaul's latest album "Glamazon", available on i Tunes and I have to say, it's the best album yet. I especially like "Get Your Rebel On", "Superstar", an of course the theme track "Glamazon". This album has class, sas, and power from the beginning until the end.

So lassies and gents, this is all I have for you. Do have a long good weekend in advance!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

2011-04-17T18:21:00.004+08:00

Oh gosh, if this is a nightmare, please make it stop! Save me from the fires of hell. I don't even know where to begin to tell you how horrible and frustrating things have been lately. Just a couple of weeks ago, my Nana passed away. Mummy called me on the 14th of April 2011 just as soon as my alarm went off and she informed me that Nana was admitted into the hospital. She was crying over the phone as she was telling me that Nana doesn't have long. Then, i wishes her happy birthday. About 10 minutes or so later, she rang back while i was ironing my clothes for work just to find out that Nana has passed. I was so shocked. I was sad but, i couldn't cry. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. It happened so quickly that I'm still trying to connect the dots. I spoke to mummy last night and she told me that they are supposed to collect the autopsy results today. The funeral shall follow soon.

"I know Nana will be missed but, she'll never be forgotten. She'll live as long as we remember her. R.I.P. Nana Ward! xoxo"

That aside, writing my dissertation has been both eye-opening and a pain. That's education for you. I have already submitted my production details, plot summary, and analysis bit to my supervisor. I hope to receive positive feedback. I have some editing to do and continue with the second part of my analysis. It's like, when is this going to end? Sigh!! You know, when i am working on my assignments, I'm really stressed out and i neglect exercising. I think i've gained a couple of ponds for not working out and also eating at random hours. Food provides me this "love" and "comfort" when i am stressed out, as odd as it may sound. By the time i am done with work and my assignment, i am totally beat. I just want to crawl to bed and pass out.

Work has been good to me...i think. Nothing much is happening in that part of life. Oh, just for your information, i am heading to Medan, Indonesia by the end of the month. I don't know what's there but, i am starting to feel excited. I can't believe that we will be there for four days. How i wish it was just three days so we can come back and rest, given it's the labor day weekend. If you guys reading this have any suggestions of where to go and what to do, please let me know. I'd really appreciate it!

As for certain areas in life, i still don't know where i am heading, still biding my time, still...still...still. It's a lot to deal with and i feel like i am stuck in the middle. I don't if i should turn left or right. I don't know. I don't know or maybe part of me don't want to know because i am scared. There, i said it. I have fears too. Nevertheless, i need to man up and start making decisions. I need to make things better. I need them to work out. My motto from today onwards is:

I am starting today. Not tomorrow and certainly not the day after tomorrow. I'm calling the shots. I am not going to let another day pass without any control. It's my life and i owe it to myself to steer whichever direction it is supposed to go. Enough is enough! Enough of the utter and complete bullshit in life. Enough!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...UPDATES!

2011-03-27T18:25:00.005+08:00

Hi! How's everyone doing? It has been a while since i last wrote and i think this is a good time for me to update you guys on what's been happening on my end. So, here comes the good news.

First off, I've gotten a offer to pursue my PHD in Ohio State University come the end of August 2011. Yes, that soon. Can you believe it? Anyway, i haven't decided what i want to do yet. I need to think it over and truth is i am having a lot of mixed emotions; overjoyed, excited, nervous, scared, fortunate, worried. All in all it's a positive feeling. I'm overwhelmed and i need time to process this. I've spoken to mummy and daddy about this and i'm listening to them as an opportunity is presented to me but, i don't know what to do. How ironic! I have fears. I won't deny that. I know that if i were to go, whatever connections i have here will go too. Let's say if things don't work out over there and if i were to come back, what then? How and where do i start when I'm older and lost all my connections. However, I'd like to get out of my comfort zone. I want to see the world. I want to learn more and of course, i am just a step closer to my dreams. As i am writing this, i can feel the angel and devil arguing away, endless debate i call it!

Now, moving to a somewhat A-OK news, things at work are rather hectic. I don't know where i am heading at times. It's like I'm spinning around like I'm drunk. The funny part is that i am not and i don't know who is navigating the ship. One minute it's this and the next that so on and so forth. Madness!Madness! Madness! As for my dissertation, i am still working on it. Now it feels like a 7 days a week job. I really need a vacation. I feel very pressured. I don't deny that. I will pull through like i do the many harsh weather i've experienced.

On the bad side, i don't know where i stand at times. My question is how can two people work when they aren't on the same page? What good is a label which doesn't function? I am not going to say that it's who did what to whom but, i've been rather patient putting up with things. Sometimes i wonder if i should continue with this charade. Where do we go from here? I'm so unsure. Indeed absence makes the heart grow fonder but, too long of absence makes the heart grows astray. Things that once were are not today, and things that will be tomorrow will not be like today.

That's all the updates i have for now. I'm trying the best i can to focus on the goodness as that's what i am thankful for. What about the rest of you? How now, brown cow?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...TAKUT

2011-03-19T19:16:00.006+08:00

Masa untuk dunia ku lenyap menghilang
akan tiba tak lama lagi,
1900 itulah waktunya.
Hatiku lemah, berkobar-kobar
pabila saat semakin dekat,
ku...ku takut!

Cantik jua permandangan pada detik sunyi ni,
air biru laut hilang gelora,
nampak tenang-tenang saja.
Angin bertiup memangil namaku,
matahari membenam mengucap selamat,
ku...semakin takut!

Temenung bersendirian akan alam ciptaanku,
manis pahit, tak kisahlah,
tetap perit rasanya jua.
Kenapa? OH kenapa?
Ku masih tak mengerti,
soalanku masih tiada jawaban.
Walaupun dosaku dosa engkau,
Ku tetap kekal takut!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...ON TOP OF THE WORLD

2011-03-12T18:39:00.006+08:00

Mel B & I

I still can't believe it! It was more than what i expected! It all started with Yusri asking if i knew Mel B was coming down to KL since I know all about the Spice Girls' progress (as a group & individually). I didn't know. I haven't heard anything about her coming over to Malaysia. However, when i checked twitter, i found out that she's in town.

I totally forgotten about it until Yusri invited me to go. I jump at the opportunity! Like i mentioned before, all i wanted to do was to see her in the flesh. So, we got to The Curve and waited for her arrival. As i was having a cig in a corner i was cynical if i was going to see her. On a small stage under a tent in front of us, there were a group of instructors teaching the public kickboxing. The music was blasting and the voice of the head instructor was so over the top.

"Move to the left. WAH! Move to the right. WAH! Aim low. Again. Aim high Again..."

"Do you think she's coming?"

"I guess. That's what they said. There are banners there (pointing me towards the hanging banners) See?"
"But, why is it so empty?"
"They didn't really publicized this event."
"Move to the left. WAH! Move to the right. WAH! Aim low. Again. Aim high Again..."

Suddenly, i turned to my right and i spotted Mel B's husband Stephen. And next to him, stood the statuesque Mel B, Scary Spice.

"Look! Look! Look! That's Mel B, man!"
"Where? (Looking in all the wrong directions) Where?"
"There! (Pointing him towards Mel B and Stephen who was surrounded by 5 0r 6 bodyguards) Do you see her? She's so beautiful!"
"Oh my god!!!! Let go nearer"
"Ok!" (putting out my cig.)

So, i stood near the stage freaking out thinking what I'd say to her if i saw her again. The moment i spotted her, my heart sank. I couldn't feel my knees. I felt my heart in my mouth. I was overjoyed! The kickboxing showcase was still going on and after 10 minutes or so, we were all asked to stand in the middle of the tent. As Mel B walked out, everyone went mad. Some fans even brought their bundle of Spice Girls' albums for her to sign. I don't know if she did that. She went on stage and did her thing.

Mel B @ Fitness First, The Curve 2011 Pt. 1.

Mel B @ Fitness First, The Curve 2011 Pt. 2.

After the showcase, she wanted to leave. Luckily, Stephen, Mel B's husband, help us (fans) to snap photos with her. I was so grateful for that moment because i was and am still very much influenced by the Spice Girls. If it wasn't for them, what they stood for, and their ability to overcome whatever madness that was going in their lives, i would have certainly been a different person today. Most probably i wouldn't have been able to survive my teenage years with everything that was happening. They were and still are the source of inspiration. Their music kept me away from trouble and was the bridge to whatever music i am listening to now. I still can't believe it! One down...four to go!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THE CLASH

2011-03-03T17:44:00.005+08:00

Sad.
Exhausted.
Fear.
Angry.
Stressed.
Disappointed.
Tired.
Helpless.
Dizzy.
Clueless.
Overwhelmed.
Mad.

These are few of the emotions i am feeling (in random order, all at once) as i am blogging this entry. Unfortunately, today is one of those days that i am unwell due to these clashes of emotions. Everything appeared so right like a magician's illusion but, when the curtains is unveiled, you find him still bound in chains and yet he's struggling for dear life in the huge aquarium he put himself in. I wonder how he must be feeling. I wonder what rushes through his mind.

Although everything looks neat and organized, nothing really is, is it? There's always a flaw somewhere waiting to be spotted like a micro spot which pops into a grotesque pimple disfiguring what was once a porcelain face. So much for perfection. So much for trying to do things perfectly. Here i am looking in the mirror, staring at my reflection thinking about my imperfections, mistakes, flaws, negativity, badness and how can i correct them.

It's funny how many tend to judge unfairly. They think they know everything about you as if they were psychic. They make assumptions or even conclusions as if your mind was protruding everything for everyone to see. What i did, i believe i did in good faith. I don't do things to spite others. I don't do things to create drama. There's no denying i like drama but, let's save the drama for the stage, shall we?

In this case, unlucky as it is, we don't see the world through the same pairs of eyes. Instead of confronting the matter, people talk or the keep things from you. And as most talks go about routinely, they soon morph into gossips. If one was unhappy about something, why can't one have the balls to confront the other? Why make a nothing into a blockbuster for the silver screen? I don't know but, most times, i feel like we are all still trapped in the teenage world. On one team here's the cheerleaders/ quarterbacks (the popular kids) and the rejects/ misfits (the unpopular kids). The difference between the adult world is that the game has gotten brutal and it's not just sticks and stones anymore. It's reputation and respect too. No wonder they call it the dog-eat-dog world. I used to wonder as a child, how could a dog eat another of its kind? Are dogs cannibals? In comparison to dogs, we are the "real cannibals".

"So, what does one do amidst a sea of sharks?"
"Scream for help?"
"Swim away faster??"
"Surrender and devoured???"
"Drown oneself??????????????????"

NO! Neither of that is an option. Instead, one should transforms into a greater shark with dignity.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...A SUDDEN RUSH OF RAGE

2011-02-27T23:09:00.003+08:00

My blood is boiling! I feel this sudden rush of rage. I see violent images of myself throwing glasses onto a tall brick wall and screaming on top of my lungs at the top of a mountain.

I just don't get it...why do people say things they don't mean? Why do they hurt us when they know pretty damn well that our mental and emotional states are in their hands? Is it to test us? To spite us? To make us built up walls so we'll further ourselves from them? What is it, really. Can someone, anyone please tell me?

Today, i've received a text message from a dear friend saying that relationship is difficult. She asked me how is it possible to take it to the next level when the other person is not on the same page? She continued asking how could some possess stone cold hearts and move on as if nothing has happened? Truth be told, i don't know. I don't have the answer myself and guilty as charged, I haven't answered her texts. I feel like I'm on the same boat somehow or rather. I don't know exactly how i operate when i feel like this but, i reckon my new-found habit of sleeping early for these past couple of weeks has something to do with it. Perhaps, that's how i deal with things subconsciously.

I don't get it but, why do people say things like "let's get into a relationship" or even pursue the matter when they aren't committed. Come on. You know yourself pretty damn well. You know what you can and can't do. Grow up! It's about bloody time! The way of which i see it, if someone says, "let's be together", i reckon they know that they have to try their best in every way possible. It's not just for a couple of weeks or months, but aren't both parties supposed to be better people because of each other? If things were pretty much the same, monotonous, then, what's the frigging point? We know that we aren't perfect and we have our flaws so, why do we show our flaws rather than work on correcting them? Isn't it a win win situation if both parties are happy?

I'm going to be so bold in stealing D's line and modify it a bit. Perhaps i've used up the quota of being in relationships, therefore, i know what it is what when i see it. I wish at this point of time i was ignorant. But then again, I'll eventually pretty much end up the same. So, it's better to be the wiser than to be naive. I have to admit that the path i am currently on seemed foggy, hence the dilemma. To date, the path is beginning to seem clearer. Given all that i've experienced, would it be wrong of me to start putting myself first? If i don't take care of myself then, who will? You know what you want, so stop fooling around. Always know that you can do better. So, why on Earth should you settle?

To anyone out there who's reading, don't be fooled by the words. Don't be hurt by them too. They are just words. It's the actions that count and matter. Treat others the way you want others to treat you. Call it Karma but, what goes around comes around.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...I, INDIFFERENT

2011-02-11T23:17:00.010+08:00

The opposite of love is indifference.
It isn't hate,
as hate consumes too much my effort
too much my energy.

To hate you means somehow you're there,
weary i must constantly need to stare and glare,
to hate you means my only soul i must bare,
but then again, how can i when i've abandoned all my cares.

You do what you do that you think is worth doing,
and I'll do what i do, I'll just keep on walking,
No more turning, no more pleading, no more, no more of anything,
I know now where i stand, I'll let you keep on guessing.

You're a fool, you know, for letting me get away,
My indifference has saved me save myself today,
No. Never again, not today, not even for another day,
I'm a free birdie, c'est la vie, up up and away.

The opposite of hate is love, you know.
If you hate me then,
You must have really really loved me too,
but I, I, indifferent.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THE SEX TALK

2011-02-06T23:35:00.009+08:00

Sex talk was in the humid night air as we were chatting with a special friend over dinner at a special place on his special day. He just turned 27! When we get together, regardless of the venue, it's without a doubt that the topic of common interests doesn't stray too far away from sex. It is part of us. We certainly transform into the ladies in Sex and the City. It's natural to chat about sex, isn't it? The media seems to be perpetrating it anyway they can in advertisements, films, music videos, etc. It's the "in" thing of the 21st century~ sex.

Tonight's topic ranges from chemical sex (chem sex, popularly known) to kinky sex. Despite being the prude in the gang, the one with the lack of sexual experiences, or I'd like to call it, the innocence i still possess, i don't think trying "adventurous" things on for size would hurt. I know the dangers of drugs. I know the dangers of unsafe sex. I know the dangers of sex period. Nevertheless, i think two people who has come to the agreement to want to try something fresher other than vanilla shouldn't be a problem. Moreover, we like our ice-creams in various flavours suiting our different moods, don't we? So, what's so wrong with spicing up the activities in the boudoir? Sex is supposed to be interesting. It is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to draw two people closer.Unfortunately, when it becomes routinized, it becomes mundane. There aren't any surprises. It then lacks spontaneity before leading to the ultimate death in the bedroom department.

Putting excitement and the thrills (as cheap as they do can come by) aside, one of the fears i have about sexual versatility is that one can easily get addicted like smokers, druggies, gym freaks, etc. It might start out as a one-time-thing, but lord knows they'll certainly be a second and many more to come. If two people are in a committed monogamous relationship, they need to be extra careful with their sexual experiments Who knows what can happen when a couple is introduced to the notion of threesome? Think carefully before walking down that road. Love doesn't come by easily, don't you agree? So, why put yourself and your loved ones at risk? Getting addicted to certain sexual activities to the extent of developing a fetish or fetishes (beware of the plurality), I believe, can destroy any good healthy romantic relationships. And if you are single, a swinger, a bed-hopper, or a "slut" (if the term best describes you), you too are putting yourself at risk of perhaps one day ending up in one of those Sexaholics Anonymous meetings or even worse, get infected with STDs. I hate to be a kill joy when it comes to sex but, let's face the reality, things don't just naturally happen on their own. It takes two hands to clap, doesn't it? I'm not saying deprive yourself from these sexcapades. I think they are important and help build one's character but, just know what you are getting yourself into. Like pretty much everything else, it can either make you or break you.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...Whoop Dee Doo

2011-02-05T23:59:00.010+08:00

Money comes. Money goes. That's one of the vicious circles in life which we have to face. Reality bites, doesn't it? Think about it. We spend a whole month working 'till our asses chapped (or flat as my grams would often say), wake up at bloody 6a.m. like we did in school, sitting on uncomfortable chairs, starring at the screens of our desktops to the point that our eyes pop out, and do whatever the hell that needs doing to pay our rents. The dough comes in and it goes out. We've got bills to pay. Things to buy (food, toiletries, gas). Some of us, the unlucky ones, have a few mouths to feed. Lawns to maintain. Cars to service. Loans and debts to be paid off. What about insurance and taxes? Anybody?

Sometimes, even when it's during the SALE season, we can't afford to shop 'till we drop because let's face it, we are already broke to the point of maxing out our credit cards. Worse yet, we owe people money here and there and the next thing you know, the bills are everywhere that we have no choice but to declare ourselves bankrupt.Until we finally hit rock bottom will we then realize that this is life. This is reality. It's not pots and pans and "masak-masak" anymore. How many of us tell ourselves (even make it one of our new year's resolutions) that we have to "SAVE UP" years after years but, it seems to be nothing left in the bank accounts or even if there are some funds, it's insufficient to withdraw. Sigh!

Money is not everything but, we can't deny that it is something essential. We certainly can't do without it! A fool would say things like, "all you need is love" but we know that's not true. Just to go on a date, a simple date you know, out for dinner and to the movies would cost us about Rm100. Think about the fuel, parking, popcorn and drinks, etc. Sometimes, a meal itself would cost nearly that amount. Of course this depends on where we dine and the people we are dinning with. If you are with one of those "I don't eat here, here, here, and here" then, you will have a major problem waiting to sprout. Relationships, whatever form it may be, is an investment. There's no such thing as "free". Nothing is free like they were in them good old dog gone days. So, the moral of the story here is we have to find better paying jobs, find ways to utilize our talents/ skills to make extra cash on the sides, and be thrifty. Remember that time is money and money is time. So, what are you waiting for? Start making more $.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...HOP HOP AWAY

2011-02-04T10:03:00.008+08:00

2011, the year of the rabbit, is officially here, that is if you are one of those traditionalist. Otherwise, it's already February. Unfortunately, I'm not celebrating Chinese New Year this year as most of my Chinese friends are back in their respective hometowns welcoming the new year with their family and friends. I could have gone back but, i didn't. Of course i said that i have plenty of work etc etc etc but, that 's too far away from the truth. As a matter of fact, I'm as free as a bird. I have things to do obviously but, it wouldn't have killed me to take a couple of days off.

So, you might be wondering what has already brought me misfortune at the very beginning of the Chinese New Year. Well, i think it was my stupidity. My idiotic ideas which at present seem to not be coming true. This "intelligent" plan, if i may call it, of spending quality time with that someone has been flush into the toilet, right down the drain, drowned in the river, and floating somewhere in the South China Sea.

"It'd be great to stay back in KL as the city will be less hectic and loud."
"It'd just be you and I, you know the us, the we, and no one else."
"Doesn't that just sound fun?"

Fun my ass!!! These were the thoughts that trailed at the end of last year. As misfortune goes, here i am blogging about it. Never had i ever felt this alone. As i woke up yesterday calling all my family members and friends, the excitement in their voices suddenly made me miss home. I want to go home. I want to spend time with those who matters to me. I want to gamble. I want to drink and laugh. I want to see fireworks and light some firecrackers. with my siblings. I want to taste the good food i've been deprived off , dishes like grandaunt's famous chicken curry and ka-ca-ma and of course grandma's shark fin soup with a spoonful of X.O and dark Chinese vinegar.

I brought this upon myself, like i said, it was my stupidity thinking that this time around things would be different. I guess i was wrong just like i was previously. What i've learned is that if you want to get things done, do it yourself. Never allow yourself to be vulnerable and have expectations because people do let you down most of the time. They say one thing and do another. In other words, they don't practice what they preach. They are capable of disappointing. They are humans too just like you and i. Looking at it in a positive light, there's no use in crying over spilled milk. It's pointless to blame others for the misfortunes in our lives. Rather, it'd be easier to just accept our failures and remember that our happiness is in our own hands. That's something we have control over. Having said that, if we choose to serve our heart on a platter then, we have no one else to blame as we are the ones who decided to do so. A note to all of you, keep your emotions intact and don't be foolish just because the grass is starting to look greener on the other end. Who's to say that darken clouds won't pour away?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...RESTIN'

2011-01-20T20:39:00.005+08:00

My body is on autopilot,
I rose at 7a.m. today and
performed my morning rituals.

Made myself a good warm cup of coffee,
I need caffeine like a druggie,
I start coming alive with a light at the tip of my ciggy,
even though i know this stuff will finally kill me.

The thoughts of the day began coming to me,
like the program of my old window XP,
The schedules, the plans, the itinerary,
My mind shut down because today i am free.

Nothing to do, just sipping my coffee
and smoking what's left of my ciggy,
The time clocked 7.20
I laid down, pulling over the covers again and enjoy the holy.

This is the Part I Go...FAITHLESS???

2011-01-13T20:58:00.006+08:00

Someone wrote to me and asked why I'm agnostic. Here's what i wrote. Before you read this, bare in mind that i don't mean to be disrespectful nor do i intend to convert anyone. You are you and i am me. I don't expect us to be the same nor are we that different. I'm just speaking my mind and if you think it's wrong, so be it. Let religion be a thing i discover on my own and let it not forced. Let me learn to reach God on my own time.

"[...] Yes, i know God is important and believe it or not, i do talk to him...i try. The reason i don't have any religions is because i think religion is not exactly the words of God. Not all of it anyway. For example, in the Quran as well as the Bible, the concept of Heaven and Hell doesn't exist. These two places are described but there aren't labelled "heaven" nor "hell". If that is created by man, who knows how many percent of the holy books are words according to wise old men?

You see, back in those days, the "Jahiliah" days to be exact, people were uneducated, wicked, uncivilized, and they were pretty much their own gods. As a result of that, people can't grow. There wasn't such a thing called nation. As a result, human beings were no different than animals. Strong tribes would start creating allies with others but, that wasn't enough for people to rule as they were always attacked and their kingdom would be taken over by another stronger and perhaps more powerful tribe. Due to that, they need religion. They need to invoke fear, discipline, culture, humanity, etc in people. If you look at the history of China, during the ruling days of the dynasty, the kings were gods just because they read more than everyone else as they had nothing much to do. Because they read a lot, the kings knew more than the nation. In conjunction to that, they declared themselves gods just so they can be in power.

Like elsewhere in this world, the same thing happened. Religion started popping up. Today, there are so many religions around the world. Which to pick? Which is right? Which is good? Is that any that isn't? Satanism doesn't count! Given that they are labeled religion, they are all good. There are truths in the holy books which i don't deny. However, the way things are done by the people is the reason why i don't have a religion because i think to myself, if these are God's people, i don't want to be one of them. You see hypocrites, pretenders, liars, killers, and all sorts of people around the world. Even priests commit rape. Why would i want to join them. I do have faith in God and when i was younger, i was very much religious and trust me, if you were to read the bible, the Mahabharata, and the Buddhist holly books, you'd feel like you want to convert. This is because all these religions are preaching things which are holly. Look at all the major religions in the world, even within each, there are splits. There are different kind of Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, and Hindus. Which to follow? Which is right? They respectively claim to be right and as a result they have their legions of followers.

People rarely ask questions about religion or God because it is mentioned in the holly books that when you question, you are doubting God. Nevertheless, if you read the holly books, they says that we should know as much as possible. We shouldn't neglect ourselves from knowledge. To be ignorant is forbidden. One of the ways to obtain knowledge is to ask. So, do you see how contradictory that is? A religious person would most definitely tell me that certain things can't be questioned. You just have to have faith. You just have to follow. Who gets to draws the line of where what can be asked and what can't? Mind you, we aren't robots? We can't be programmed. I'm sorry to say that I'm not one of them. If people tell me that God asks me to jump off KLCC, i most certainly wouldn't do it.

How is it possible that in the past we have prophets but now, if i tell people Jesus or an angel spoke to me, I'd be thrown into the nut house. The doctors will diagnosed me with Schizophrenia and people will call me a sicko to my face. If changes are necessary then why don't we have prophets today? Did religion die or something? No, in fact there are more followers now compared to the past. Given that we are living in an even modern era, we need prophets now more than ever. Talk about pollution, atomic bombs, poverty, hunger, etc. I don't think God is discriminatory. However, there are no prophets to help us like they were in the past. Is this God's way of abandoning us? I don't think so. I know God is omnipresent and he lives in each and every one of us.

There are so much more i can say but i don't want you to think that i am trying to make you into me. I believe each is his own man, despite the widespread of religions. At the end of the day, when and if we die, we take nothing and no one with us. It's just us, alone. Life is tough. So, suck it up. Life isn't easy. It was never meant to be easy. That's why it's called life. If it is easy, it isn't life. We need challenges and hardships to make us grow, to make us change. That's what life is all about.

Unfortunately, not everyone can survive on advice and words of wisdom. People need something to believe in. People need an escape, a comfort, to tell themselves that there is something bigger than life. Is there? Who knows? Since we are here, like it or not, I say we make the best out of it. There's no point in regretting. We do all the goodness we can do and treat those who matter to us well. If we can make the world a better place, we do that. For me, running away from the truth and turning to religion is just escapism. I am not scared of anything. Bring it on. Here's to life!"

THIS IS THE PART I GO...CURRENT STATE OF MIND

2011-01-11T22:40:00.006+08:00

Chasing dragons and rabbits?? Not quite exactly what I'm occupied with at the moment.

I am working on the first section of the analysis for my thesis and it has been more than a week now. It's really been painful but, i know nothing comes easy. When i was still on my holidays since the 23rd of December 2010, i couldn't focus, reason being it was my birthday, then came Christmas, and lastly, the new year. Hooray 2011 and I'm still stuck with this!!!

I started writing since the beginning of last week and find myself to be rather distracted although i was still on holiday. One minute i was writing, the next i was reading something else on the web sphere which were something completely unrelated. It was only after a couple of precious hours did i realize that i had steered right off track. Due to sheer mental exhaustion, i decided to take a nap which led me straight to my dutiful trip to la-la land, sleeping for 4 hours before waking up with a headache, feeling groggy, and beat. Nevertheless, I popped myself right in front of the screen but nothing good came along. I waited and waited but nothing, absolutely nothing swung by. The magic Cig-stick didn't help. Not even a little. Not even a bit. Adding to my frustration, I diagnosed myself with what we writers call the capital "B". The following days, the remaining of my holidays, went by pretty fast in a blur. Evaluating myself, I know I didn't do enough.

Now that I'm back to work again, my blood pressure is increasing by the minutes. I don't even sleep well at night like Capt. Hook haunted by the ticking clock. TICK-TOCK! TICK-TOCK! There's too much to do and too little time left. My mind is clouded not by the nicotine smoke from the sticks of cigarettes i've been smoking but, by the fear of not being able to meet the dateline, which is this weekend. OH MY GAWD! Can you believe I'm still here writing this???

THIS IS THE PART I GO...2011

2011-01-01T04:48:00.005+08:00

Dear Titpiggers,

Believe it or not another year has come and gone by just like that. This goes to show that we aren't getting any younger and it's time to make some changes in life or perhaps improvements. Lord only knows i have plenty to do for myself this year!

I posted something on facebook yesterday and it's sad to read that some are just viewing the cup as half full while others, are just pessimistic making up excuses saying things like "it's easier said than done" and "it ain't easy". Before starting the new year which such negativity, why don't you take a few moments to count your blessings. What do you still have? What are your talents and strengths? What really matters to you? Think about these questions.

From my experience, time indeed waits for no man and i think we've wasted way too much time on the act of thinking. Think about this, you are planning a trip for a group of friends. What springs to mind? Transportation. Budget. Accommodation. Bla bla bla. There's just so much one can do so, wouldn't it be better to get everyone involved? Delegate the jobs. Don't be a superhero and try to do everything on your own. Now, picture this. You are about to go out for a party. What should you wear? If you are single, which attire would make you look more attractive. Nevertheless, if you are not single, you still want you and your partner to look nice. Also, you care about your own appearance, don't you? Maybe for men it's a little easier in comparison to women. But people, you are wasting too much time thinking. What about putting your head to rest? Is sleep not important? Are other things less important? Think about this. You are reading this now and how much time have you wasted? You do know that you only get to live today once, don't you? Tomorrow is another day. Next Saturday is not this Saturday. Next Year is not this year. Etc etc etc.

On this journey we are driving on, of which we call life, nothing is easy. Nothing is supposed to be easy. If things were easy, why on earth do we even need to set a few alarms just to get us out of bed in the morning. The key is you have to put your mind to it. You have to tell yourself that you will be able to make it through. You are a survivor. You are the best designated driver ever. And hopefully, at the end of the day, you've lived well. This is all i want to say. I don't want to blabber on. These are common sense and at times, we (myself included) forget that life is short. If we are not going to make something out of ourselves then why the hell are we here? What are we celebrating then?

I need my rest so I'll stop here. I'd like to wish you all HAPPY 2011. May you find whatever it is that you are finding. May love, light, happiness, friends, family, lovers, and all the other things that matter surround you forever and always. Have a blast people. Let's make this year one hell of a ride! What say you?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...BOOM BOOM POW

2010-12-29T20:16:00.008+08:00

After getting my Starbucks planner, i was happily filling in the important dates and on the little box for the 23rd of December 2010, i wrote turning 27. Later when i got to the box for the 23rd of December 2011, i was a little confused, shocked even because i was about to write turning 28. Putting my panic aside, i asked Red how old i am turning this year and he said 26, which means i made a mistake the first time i filled in the box. Quickly i turned back to December 2010 to make amends. Silly as it may sound, i freaked out thinking that i've cheated myself a year of life. Phew!

Indeed my birthday and Christmas celebration were nothing less than a boom boom pow. I had a party on the eve of Christmas and invited my close friends. It certainly wasn't anything extravagant. It was small and intimate surrounded by love. Although it started late, as usual given that we are all Malaysian. 8.30p.m. means an hour later, most of my friends stayed until the wee hours. I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to make something and making this an unforgettable celebration. I guess a man is not only measure by how much money he has in his bank account or how long his slong is. Rather, it's the company of people he has. I'm glad to say that the people in my life are fabulous and i wouldn't have been where i am today if it wasn't for them. Thank you for keeping me alive and make life worth the living.

Much love and thanks to Red, Yus, De, Col, Moi, Baby, Hafiz, and Fizzy. Here's to another chapter of life!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...RELATIONSHIPS

2010-12-11T20:08:00.006+08:00

True or false, if either one of the dancers suffers a leg injury, let's say a twisted ankle, the tango cannot be performed at the ball. I guess the same theory applies in relationships, whatever kind it may be.

When people stop keeping in touch they fall out of touch with each other. As time goes by, people most certainly change. People most certainly grow. The only thing that defers i think, is the extent of the changes that has taken place in the lives of the individuals. We say we'll try to stay in touch but, given that all of us lead different lives and lifestyles, sooner than later, we find ourselves making up excuses for not keeping in touch. The next thing you know, it's been 6 months since you've spoken to the other person let alone send a text message. So, what's left is the birth of a collection of estranged relationships.

As we flip through the photo albums of the heydays or perhaps looking at the old pictures we once uploaded on facebook, we find ourselves missing those "good-old-days". Because of our ego or resentment towards the other party, we decided to just let things be, fearing that the other party is in a different place. What's more, we fear that he or she might be better off all these months/ years without our existence.

The blaming games then begins. Each will come up with excuses and blame the other for losing touch. We try to tell ourselves that it's for the better good but, deep down we know that we are in denial thinking about those late night chats and parties we attended together. Going out as a group painting the town red was fun, wasn't it? So, why did we stop doing all those things? Though there were some tension here and there, we never let anything get between us. Those tension made us stronger, didn't they?

As the blaming game gets old, we might end up forgetting the "good-old-days" and that will mark the end of our relationships. The way i see it, it takes two to tango. If there's a sense of reluctance from either parties, the relationship, whatever form it may be, will cease to function at the junction of "kaput-ness". Given that Christmas is just a week or so away, why not pick up the phone and call that someone. If there's nothing to say, why don't you just say "Hi!" and find out how he/ she is doing?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...DILEMMA

2010-12-10T23:57:00.009+08:00

"Left?"

"Right?"

"Up?"

"Down?"

"Back?"

"Front?"

"Backwards?"

"Forward?"

"Which way to go?"

"Where to?"

"What to do?"

"How now?"

Before tonight i never felt like i was swimming in a sea of confusion. There's just so much to do and I'm not sure if i really want to do it anymore. The more i tell people, the more worried i get. Yes, people are supportive, but maybe that's not what I'm looking for. I don't know exactly what the next step is or how i should proceed. To be honest, I'm quite comfortable where i am at this point in life. I thought I'd never settle here but hey, it's been a while now, 6 years to be exact. Everything seems OK to me. Well, it can always get better, but i am not complaining yet.

Do i really want to pack up my life to up and leave or do i want to settle here? That's the dilemma i am stuck with. I don't want to be like one of those people, who 20 years from now, will ponder on the "what ifs/ perhaps/ maybes/ if only". On the other hand, those of you who know me know that i don't take risks unless i know and am certain of what's up ahead. The other place i am talking about doesn't guarantee anything. I can't see the future. That's one of the reason why i don't gamble anymore, even on Chinese New Year.

What if i made a mistake somehow when I'm down that road and realize that I'm all alone and there's no U-Turn. What do i do then? It's easy to say that I'll deal with it when i cross that bridge but, I'm not going to be ignorant. I like plans. I like date/ dead lines. I like schedules. I like structure. I like organization. I like everything to be neat. I think i work better that way. Not knowing what's going to happen will just throw me off my game. Once upon a time as i recall, i like spontaneity, but today, today is just different. I don't do that anymore.

My lifestyle has changed. 2012/13 isn't far away and i need to know what i want to do soon. The time is ticking and we spend too much bloody time just worrying and thinking. This, i guess is just a part of life, a part of growing up.

In the mean time, here's my Xmas tree.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...TO BE OR NOT TO BE

2010-11-30T22:42:00.007+08:00

"To be or not to be: that is the question"

(Hamlet Act 3, Scene 1)

William Shakespeare once wrote these words. Who would have guess that it still applies even in the 21st century. Everyday as i commute to work via the public transportation, i see on many faces an array of dissatisfaction, broken dreams, hopelessness, exhausted, and stress. These souls seem lost living from day to day doing the same thing. I believe that once upon a time, these "robots", once humans, had dreams. Piles and piles of dreams, nevertheless. I don't doubt that they had plans and perhaps even a list of things that they want to do with their lives. However, the questions comes down to this "to be or not to be".

"Maybe it was fear."

"Maybe it was because they were picky or not."

"Maybe it wasn't the right timing."

"Maybe they didn't try."

"Maybe they postponed their plans to another date."

"Maybe they had other commitments."

Maybe and more maybe. These are all of course nothing but my assumptions. Right or wrong it doesn't really matter though it's just my honest opinion. I don't know if you've ever heard this saying, but it goes something like this:

"If you have a dream, dream BIG."

Of course it also means that you have to be realistic about things and use your own judgments to make ends meet. To make a dream come true, as most have mentioned, doesn't just take time. It also takes a lot of effort, hard work, investments, and maybe even selling your soul to the devil. Who knows these things exactly, right? However, making excuses and living in denial isn't going to get you where you want to go. One important lesson we all learn in school is not to say "I don't know". Instead, we were encouraged to try and learn from mistakes. Nonetheless, if one were to give up even before starting, then how would one get to where one wants? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out, does it?

We are all adults and we can think for ourselves. One thing i've learned so far is that at the end of the day

"We are have nothing but ourselves. There are no team mates."

"Friends grow estranged.
Family disappears.
Lovers cheat.
Enemies multiply.
Life gets tougher!"

So, where do we go from here? Do we live in denial trying to sugar-coat the truth by telling ourselves lies by making up excuses? Yes, of course we can. But, where do we go from there? Remember those faces i told you i saw on the train, the "robots" to be exact? The question here is:

"Do you want to end up like them~ to be or not to be?"

I think i've exhausted myself saying this but i'm going to repeat it that is:

"Life is full of choices! If we make the right one, we'll be fine. If we don't, we'll just have to learn from them...hopefully. Giving up is definitely not a choice."

To me, it's obvious that if one is down, the only way left to go is up. Take your time indeed, but you also have to remember that time waits for no man. In this life, there are winners and losers and what makes them different is the fact that one will do whatever it takes to win while the other will do nothing. I personally don't believe in luck, destiny, and fate. I think we create our own luck, design out own destinies, and that will decide our fates. It goes back to this:

"To be or not to be: that is the question"

If and if per se, you really want to be somebody and you want to go somewhere, you've got to wake up and pay attention.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...SUNNY SIDE UP

2010-11-28T20:42:00.006+08:00

Trust me. This entry has nothing to do with breakfast at all. I'm not going to turn TITPIG into one of those restaurants review blogs just yet. Nevertheless, it's how things are turning out which makes me feel when i have that scrumptious sunny side up in the morning. It's so energizing and invigorating.

It's taken me a while and perhaps i've finally arrived at a good place. I can't deny that i was lost for quite some time, moving in routines and not knowing what on earth was happening exactly. It was pretty much the same thing day in and day out. I felt pretty much boxed in a shoebox, trapped, and imprisoned by my own doings. After much strive i've managed to expand my horizons, which is why i am blogging. I don't want you people to think that I'm all negative and sad because I'm not. It's just that at times, i neglect such goodness in life and refuse to make a record of it. Call me a sad sap if you much as i prefer sad and depressive songs anytime of day.

Anyway, the good news is, my thesis is going on well. It's been accepted. Now, hold onto your congrats just yet as i am still in the writing process. What i meant by accepted is that my theoretical framework and literature reviews wasn't exactly rubbish. I don't want to boot but my supervisor was impressed and as far as impressions go, she is not easily impressed. Phewwwwww!!! This means i can move on to the next stage which is the analysis of the selected texts. I have a rough idea of how it's going to be. So, this part should be a breeze. Fingers crossed!

Work is alright so far but, there are times I'm stressed as i want the best for everyone. I just want things to go on peacefully. I don't want any drama. I don't want any negativity. I think we've had enough of that in the past and now it is the beginning of the good stuff, if you get what i am saying.

As for the rest, you guys just have to check often for the updates. I don't want to tell too much for now. See this as the icing on top of the cake, if you will.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THE CALL

2010-11-21T23:34:00.004+08:00

At times I feel I'm carrying
the weights of the world on my back,
balancing one foot in front of the other
on uneven stony clumsy tracks.
The scorching sun almost
burning me alive,
make allies with the coarse winds
that cuts through my skins like knives.

I come home and all alone
I cook myself a savoury dish for dinner,
and sink into the warm bubble baths
to rid myself of the day's horror,
No matter how hard i try
tomorrow's troubles worry me endlessly,
I'm a train on a wrecked train-track
never-moving, stuck on the same path only.

Before i lay myself to fight in sleeps
i shall answer the last call from you,
the soothing in your voice relaxes me
always, i look forward to talking to you.
You'd listen intently and laugh joyously
and me too, out comes the other personality,
I know as the sun rises, i can face the world of pain
because before i lay myself to sleep, i can
yet again listen to your loving voice, the sound of rain.

This is written for someone whom i've gotten the opportunity to know and I just want to say a big thank you for making a difference in my life.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...1/2 FULL

2010-11-20T01:57:00.006+08:00

"Madness! Madness!"
"You think?"
"Maybe just a singe."
"Maybe?"
"Maybe a teeny weeny tiny bit..."

The world has really shifted since i last written. So much has happened in a short time and here i am now typing this entry. It's 2a.m. and i just came back from hanging out with my dolls. We talked about the future and i sort of have a sense of a fresh perspective. I'm not going to talk about it just yet as this is just the very very early stage of things. I'll talk about that in the near future. Fingers crossed!

I've just gotten a promotion at work and with this new promotion i know my responsibilities will start piling up as we speak. I'm optimistic about it, a good way to start i think. I'm also working on my thesis which can be a pain with certain articles. Even so, i am still surviving. Everything is still doable.

Nowadays, I'm happier. I would like to think that i've arrived at a better place. However, they are times when things are just difficult. I don't think there's such a thing as a smooth sailing journey or an easy life. Things might seem alright on the surface but who know what goes on underneath.

When i teach Grammar to my students, very often, they'd complain, huff and puff, sigh and frown as it's difficult to grasp the idea at first. I'd console them by saying,

"Waking up in the morning, isn't easy too, is it? The alarm goes off and there you are telling yourself it wouldn't kill to rest for a couple of minutes. You snooze your alarm until you realize that it's daylight. Then, you rush like a mad person and then you've got to deal with the traffic and worry about being late. Life isn't designed to be easy. So, don't expect anything to be easy, especially Grammar."

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THE BODY IS A TEMPLE

2010-10-13T11:07:00.013+08:00

"The body is a temple."

That's what Madonna believes in. That's also one of the reasons she looks the way she looks at her age. Most of you who's been following me on TITPIG over the years or know me personally know that i am not blessed with the well-carved 6 packs abdominal muscles nor am I interested in purchasing them due to various reasons, one of them being the irrelevance of it. (Click here to read more.)

Nevertheless, I agree that the body is a temple. This, in my opinion, doesn't mean one has to adopt a mad exercise regime or convert into an exercise freak hitting the gym daily. Rather, one needs moderation and consistency which means one must be very discipline. Working out is one thing but we need to eat healthily and get enough rest too. Since the body is interconnected to the mind and soul, we have to be extra careful of what goes in and out of it.

In this era, we can't afford being reckless by jumping on the band wagon just because everyone says it's cool or that we want to fit into society. Screw society! Society is what gave birth to bigotry, racism, stereotype, chauvinist, etc. We have to know the risks we are taking and evaluate them accordingly. Given that we are filled with uncontrollable desires, it'd be wise to think about things or as the old saying goes, "sleep on it". We certainly shouldn't rush when crossing the road or swim with the sharks. Like we were once taught to look left and then right before crossing, we should apply this very basic lesson our mothers taught us in our current existence.

Of course i am speaking generally. I am not just referring to a particular thing but I'm talking about drugs, weed, tattoos, facial products, cosmetic surgery, haircut, etc. If we don't learn to love ourselves, then how do we expect others to love us? If we don't take care of ourselves then who will? What we need is pride, dignity, confidence, and self-esteem.

It all start with ourselves. Look into the mirror and tell me if you are happy? If you are then that's great. Hooray! But, if you aren't, then isn't it time to do something about it rather than sitting there bitching about how shitty life is?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...LOOSING IT?

2010-10-12T18:20:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I feel that I'm loosing it. I feel lost swerving out of control that if any seconds now, if i make the wrong move everything will just tumble down, you know like one of those building blocks games. I confessed to have been trying to maintain my composure but to no avail.

Sometimes when I'm erratic, i just want to jump down from the highest level of KLCC, but instead of going totally "SPLAT" hitting rock bottom, i want to be able to soar like the phoenix out of the ashes. I want to feel the breeze on my face, my hands almost touching the puffs of clouds, and simply being closer amid the midnight stars. However, will this ever be possible?

Surrounded by the hustle and bustle of this concrete jungle, I'm suffocated, chocking even. It scares me how hours pass into days and days into months and the next thing i know, nearly 7 years of my life has gone by in just a blink of an eye. People often say that the city is full of life. Indeed it is. Perhaps, it has sucked the life out of us to sustain itself leaving most of us in depravity of the essence we need to continue living. Unfortunately, if you look around, you don't see people. You see half dead androids.

Everything happens in such rapidity. It's all about chasing time, rushing things, meeting dead and datelines, one thing after the other, always oncoming and never ending. It's like there's no full stop to mark the end of a sentence. Life stops being fun, don't you think? I remember once upon a time when i was very spontaneous. I enjoyed doing things impromptu. Nothing was planned and i was living from day to day enjoying the experience life had to offer. Today, I have schedules for everything. I am so bloody organized that i have to set my watch 25 minutes earlier just so i won't be late for work, meetings, flights, dates, etc.

We can never really stop to take a break as the weekends too do come to ends. We either have to be superhuman like The Flash or Vampires or just coax ourselves into believing that Time himself has stolen some of our 24 hours, you know like those potato chips packages we open just to find them half empty.

I think the day I'll be able to stop to take a break is the day i die. Only then will I be overcome with peace, silent, and stillness after the funeral service. They wouldn't call death the state of ultimate rest if that wasn't true, would they?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THE SHIT CAME FALLING FROM THE SKY

2010-09-22T18:48:00.007+08:00

Not even a week of the new cycle, approximately two bloody days in precision, and do you know what has happened? New flash: The shit came falling from the sky when I least expect it.

I was in class today teaching creative writing, narrative writing to be exact. I was explaining the differences between fictional and non-fictional narratives. Just to make things a little obvious, i used an example. I stated something along the lines of so and so "is from London. I know his mother. She's a professor in one of the universities there." The next thing i knew, the person whom i was referring to made a big deal out of nothing. He said that he'd like to offer me a piece of advice which wass I should think before I speak. Of course, it wasn't straight to the point, bloody sugar coating his words in God knows what he was rambling about. Then, he went on to talking about respect and how i was being rude saying that i know his mother, which led to my display of insult on his culture, etc etc etc.

Anyway, what was the big deal? It wasn't like i was saying anything offensive at all. Personally, i find it funny that people like this can tell me that they are unhappy in their countries and how they are in Malaysia due to political reasons but, they complain that we don't respect them and how we shouldn't be rude. This display of character was really uncalled for. It shows hypocrisy and i don't tolerate that, not even a little bit and most certainly not at all. My question is why would someone criticize their country just to impose the same thing in another country?

Personally, i thought i knew this particular student well enough to assume that he's open-minded but it just goes to show how wrong I was. It fascinates me to see how gold was spun out of cotton!

Today was a lesson learned. I shouldn't let my guard down. I shouldn't get too personal (period) and I shouldn't mix business with pleasure.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...TOUGH

2010-08-28T00:42:00.003+08:00

For these passed few weeks i have been feeling rather lost. I'm practically living day to day without knowing what my focus is exactly. It seems that there's a whirlwind surrounding me and i don't know how to get out of it. It's like whenever i try to get out of it, i am pushed backwards trapped again.

Work has been tough lately. I have more responsibilities to juggle now and i worry every waking hour about what will land on my desk the next day when work is over, the next hour when i am at work. Sometimes i feel like things happening around me somehow go against my vocation. I don't believe in how certain things are done and yet i let them slide closing an eye pretending to not notice them unraveling. There were times when i spoke out my opinions and all i realize is i am standing there on a deserted alone. There is minimal support. There is almost zero attention paid to what i have to say.

I have been pretty estranged from the people in my lives too. Day in day out we text each other or talk over the phone but that's about as far as it goes. Some i don't even keep in touch with. I don't know why though. I miss those times we had fun just sitting around having coffee and discussing life. I wonder has my passion died along with other parts of me that once felt so close but yet so out of reach. I don't know anymore really.

Most of the times i feel rather tired. I haven't been getting my sleep like how i am supposed to. As a result, my skin is in such a bad condition. The prefect word i think best describes me is frustrated. Yes, i am frustrated in every way possible. I need to find a way out of the tempest. I reminisce sometimes of how life would have been if i had taken a different path.

Where would i be if i was here?

What would i do if it isn't this?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THIS IS A TEST

2010-08-15T15:05:00.005+08:00

The fasting month is here again and like the past few years, i am still carrying on this tradition of joining in the fast. Yes, waking up at 4 something in the AM isn't a routine but it's only for a month so it's not a big deal for me. I am doing fine so far. I feel tired and woozy but i can still handle it. The odd thing is that i am neither hungry nor am i thirsty, despite the fact that i constantly need to speak a lot given that it is part of my job description.

The thing that really tests me is going for more than 12 hours without my usual dose of nicotine fix which i often get from smoking cigarettes. To make matters worst, my favourite brand is not longer sold in the market. I am now smoking Marlboro Menthol Black which is nothing in comparison to SKL Strawberry Menthol. That is the only tough part for me. I start shivering and i need to focus on something else altogether. I can't not just sit down and do nothing. I need to control myself by keeping my mind occupied on something else. It's bloody difficult, i must admit.

I don't know why people find my fasting wrong and somewhat amusing. Just the other day, someone asked me why am i fasting since i am not a Muslim. I believe my answer was purely simple. I stated that i have many Muslim friends, majority needless to say. At the same time i am teaching Muslim students of which make up the majority yet again. Since i am going to be around them most of the time, i might as well adopt their practice in respect to their beliefs. That was all i said.

Then, that person asked me what i am doing for the Chinese and Indians, going as far as labeling me "bias" and "racist". I was offended! It's not that i don't want to do anything in regards to the other races or religion. It's just that i don't have many Chinese and Indian friends or the fact that i am not exposed to their cultures, despite being half Chinese. Thinking about this now, it makes me really angry because i do follow the Chinese rules when it comes to superstitions on the Hungry Ghosts' Festival and a few months ago, i started being a vegan on most Fridays in conjunction to the Hindu religion.

So why am i under such scrutiny? What have i done now? Don't worry just yet. As far as religion goes, i have no intentions of converting into anything anytime soon. I do believe in the Divine and that is that.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...BIONIC

2010-07-24T20:59:00.004+08:00

It's been pretty mad on my end lately. There are just so much to do and it seems that 24 hours isn't enough anymore to get everything done. However, i feel that even if i was presented with 30 hours a day, I'd still be complaining about the lack of time. Call it human nature as enough is never enough.

I have just placed my dinner order via McDonald's delivery service. It's going to be a wait. Good thing that my tummy isn't grumbling yet. Anyway, my day has been mentally exhausting. I woke up early today, made myself some scrambled eggs and a cuppa for breakfast. Then, i headed to the university to get some books to inspire and also to assist me in writing my intro draft. I am still grappling with how i should start writing. I am very excited to start writing my dissertation but the reading and overload of information is doing my head in. Who would have guessed that there's just so much to read! Due to the inconsistent migraines which i've yet master getting used to, i am putting my writing off for another day. This is to say that by hook or by crook, I'm starting my writing tomorrow as it is due by the end of the month, which is next week.

A friend contacted me somewhere in the middle of the week and informed me that someone important and dear in his life has passed away due to a sudden heart attack. Though i didn't get the opportunity of knowing this particular person well or even at all, i've often heard a thing or two about him. It made me realized that life is precious and mortality is fragile. It's so fleeting as anything can happen to anyone at anytime. It's made me open my eyes and vow to make the best out of life.

You know as i'm listening to Christina's new album Bionic on replay, i can't help but to praise how great it is. The songs are so inspiring and Xtina is Bionic if not more. Changes are so relevant in today's world. Being caught up with and at the same time overwhelmed by life, there is a call for us to have to be bionic. What worked in the past might not work today and what is working now will not certainly work tomorrow. So, i think there is a necessity for us to be bionic.

Here's to being Bionic. R.I.P Benjamin Mckay.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...IF ONLY

2010-07-11T11:11:00.004+08:00

In a different lifetime I picture myself having a perfectly beautiful life. It wouldn't be too similar to the one i am living. I'd certainly want the same family and friends. I can't imagine living without them. I'd have already gotten a PHD, earning RM200,000 a year (if not more), living in a pent house or a loft, driving a Triton 3.2, traveling to cities like London, Paris, New York, and Milan for both work and leisure. And also, there would be someone at home waiting for me. Someone i wouldn't get annoyed with. Someone who'd cook me a perfect dinner and spend the whole night awake just sipping on Corona and taking, taking about things like the future and how the day has been. I wouldn't mind cuddling under the stars with mellow Jazz music filling in the background.

In this perfect life, there wouldn't be anymore fear or worries. They'd all be gone with the wind of yesteryear. Human kind would cease nuclear destruction upon one another. There would be enough food for every man, woman, and child. People would be free. Things like discrimination and alienation wouldn't exist amongst the most of us as insanity is inevitable. You know what they say, "A man in love is a mad man." Love, the four letter words which is so short, so simple, so easy to remember, nevertheless it's so hard to find. So, in my perfect life, everyone deserves love no one will say, "I am not love." We would cherish it until the very end of our last breathe.

Politicians wouldn't be using religions as a propaganda to try dictate nations worldwide whilst Priests and Monks alike wouldn't be preaching words of hypocrisy. There would be honesty and truth in our relationships. There would be understanding and acceptance but not tolerance for tolerate is to accept something by force. No, there wouldn't be any force by anyone in my perfect world. Children would learn to respect their parents and parents would respect each other. Each and every one of us would strive to gain as much knowledge as possible and to work hard in our respective fields to better mankind. We'd plant trees in our yards, buy and use things which are Eco-friendly. We'd be the nation who cares about mother nature and all that's within in.

During celebrations, they wouldn't be a singe of loneliness as we'd all be as gleeful and cheerful as our hearts allow us to be. We'd drink to good times and stick together during those not-so-good times. We'd live life to the fullest since life of a mortal is short. 60 years, 70 years, and poof we cross over to another world. We'd try our best to do the best we can and never regret a moment of it.

So, when God ask us, "How's life?" at the end of it all, we'd say, "I love every second of it." and politely ask "If I can do it again?"

THIS IS THE PART I GO...UNCERTAINTIES

2010-06-24T16:29:00.004+08:00

Life is a beautiful thing or (if you are the morbid kind then) life is a miserable thing. Look, i don't want to be philosophical but, life is made up of fragments of uncertainties.

The past is the past, meaning to say what's done is done. We can't turn back time and take the road not taken. Yes, the future is yet to come however mysterious you think it is. We can be certain about things one minute and uncertain the next. Things can be planned in advance but it doesn't always mean that things will go as planned. As much as i hate to admit it, some things aren't meant to be. Period.

"What the hell is this?" you ask. This my friend, is life. Live it. Love it. Breath it. Hate it. Work it. Nothing is confirmed but it doesn't mean we are cornered into having no options.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...REFRESHED

2010-06-08T17:45:00.007+08:00

As i was reading my previous entries, i realized that my blog is nothing other than a clutter of junk. For that reason, i've decided to refresh it. Besides that, whatever took place in the past remains in the past. There's nothing i can do about it now as the saying goes "there's no point in crying over spilled milk." I have come to my senses (sort of) and deleted everything except the 11 posts i think is rather personal to date.

Odd as it is, i don't see myself being your typical bloggers blogging their lives away. This is due to the fact that my life is not as interesting or as mysterious as how others have perceived it. Day in day out, things are almost the same ~ I am still a caffeine and nicotine addict. Ever since i've started working, my life is pretty much routinized. I didn't plan for it to turn out like that but, it is what it is ~ Life is just a series of unplanned scenarios pieced together.

I've also observed that i wasn't personal on certain levels as i don't have a clue about the people reading my entries. Nevertheless, i treated this blog as a ground for my most annoying and irritating ramblings. This resulted to the output a lot of negativity (sadness, anger, frustration, etc). Having said that, I admit that i've failed miserably in sharing those jolly, fun, and intimate moments my life has paved out thus far.

You see, despite the many failures i've experienced, misery isn't my company. I have friends and i have so much goodness that my life is built upon. It was sheer hell getting to this point in life (bloody hell...I'm turning 26 soon) but, every walk i've walked and every talk i've talked was worth my while.

Here's to more to come!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...THIS &THAT

2009-12-14T00:22:00.008+08:00

This and that,
that and this,
if it's not that,
then it's this.

This and that, that then this,
the growing dilemmas meets
the morphing risks,
where unknown opportunities cease,
floating are the torments and bliss.

It's This and that,
that and this,
if it's not that,
then it's this.

The ins and the outs of the winds
mysteriously tattered a sin for a sin,
though silent droplets of glitter dropping hints
of the here & now and the has-beens.

Yet this and that,
that and this,
if it's not that,
then it's this.

Accumulating questions transcend into paranoia,
of lurking fears and incomprehensible phobia.
Far far away is the fading of thy utopia,
of blackness of what was once know of as the magnolia.

Then this and that,
that and this,
if it's not that,
then it's this.

The desperate fondle and the alarming twists
the one and only truth i wish, i wish.
The hopes i have for nothing more, nothing least,
the calmness of the tempest in the center, the peace.

But this and that,
that and this,
if it's not that,
then it's this.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...IT DOES GET LONELY SOMETIMES

2009-11-27T02:43:00.009+08:00

It does get lonely sometimes,
in this empty heart of mine
that was once filled with rainbows
and butterflies,
sunshine in the blue skies,
that feeling of which melts the frost, subsides.

It does get lonely sometimes,
in these four walls of mine
where bittersweet memories are trapped
and swamp,
a caged bird often hums,
of miserable melodies it has many times sung.

It does get lonely sometimes,
in this wondering soul of mine
which was once upon a time yours for the taking,
and yours for safe-keeping,
twas jubilantly dancing,
until it got lost in the rhythms you were playing.

It does get lonely sometimes,
in this lonely world of mine
which fades into nothingness day by day,
and soon to disappear
like the morning mist of God's tears,
my inaudible jargon no one seems to be able to hear.

It does get lonely sometimes,
in this life of mine
my lifeless bed that was once filled with roses
and now growing their piercing thorns
torturing me like the throws of sticks and stones,
becomes my nightmare of the lurking hungry ghosts that haunts.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...NOT ME

2009-11-16T18:10:00.016+08:00

Body beautiful baby...work that body!

"Why don't you join a gym?", asked a concerned friend.

Smirk. "It's obvious, isn't it? I don't have the time and i can't commit."

"But...but it really helps. Look at my abs! They are ermmm...forming really well. Look! Look! It won't be long until i get my six-packs."

"Hmmm...I can't even drag myself to jog up and down the hill at my residency, what more to say join a gym?"

Seriously, i don't see the point in going to the gym because of the reasons i have mentioned above. Besides, after work, i am usually beat plus i have classes. The weekends are reserved for my own activities with friends as well as doing chores if not my work and studies. You might think they are just excuses, my way of rationalizing my inability to sign up with a gym, rather than reasons but, whatever the case is, if i really wanted to, i could easily push myself to jog up and down the hill for starters, at the same time keeping fit. Why do i need to pay to lose weight or to stay fit when all it takes is just moderation and consistency?

Body beautiful baby...work it! Work it!

What's the point of stuffing your face up like a fat cow and then force yourself to go to the gym? Working out intensively just to get those abs isn't what i call natural. Think back in time, during those historical periods. I am sure many of you are familiar with the phrase "Adonis". Anyway, in ancient Greece, these gorgeous muscular/ bulky hunks looked the way they did due to the fact that they were warriors and hard-labour workers. Given the nature of their occupations, they certainly had to do a lot of muscle straining activities, hence maintaining admirable figures. Greece couldn't possibly have fat soldiers running on the battle field or fat labourers dying of asthma attack while half way piling up bricks, could they? Unfortunately, the advancement of technology has made us lazy, putting us in this vulnerable position of gaining weight very easily. If you don't agree with me, try comparing bosses sitting in the office, lawyers perhaps, to soldiers and construction workers. Who naturally has firmer bodies?

Personally, neither do I have the funds to flush down the toilet nor do the Gs grow on trees in my back garden. I can't bring myself to prioritize something that is not a priority. No offense but, I can't be like one of my friends who thinks paying her gym fee on time every month means she'll automatically lose weight. Also, another friend recently confessed that after 6 months of joining the gym, she has finally stopped going because she finds the whole routine draining and boring.

Put to the B-E-A-U-T-Y!

In other cases, when a person goes to the gym, after achieving certain targets, he/ she becomes obsessive or shall i say addicted to looking good. So, satisfaction is always out of reach. It's like plastic surgery or tattoo. I have to say, a person who isn't fat and yet goes to the gym is nonetheless, a person who possesses vanity. He/ she then will develop superficiality. Most will think along the lines of, "...because i look good and I've worked so hard to look this good, i only want to be surrounded by beautiful people like me..." I refuse to conform to superficiality because it chews up a person's soul.

With all that fake air kissing, judging, and laughing at those unfortunate souls doesn't make one real at the end of the day. At the end of the day, one will most definitely lose his/ her humility. It's like corrupted politicians and swayed preacher, saying something and practicing another. Don't get me wrong. I do believe in staying healthy and that presentation is vitally important but, selling my soul in trade for outer beauty is price too high that i can afford to pay. The choice is mine to make and i refuse to make that deal with the devil when i still have other means to rely on.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...NOT MYSELF

2009-10-10T20:10:00.007+08:00

Pop it and
let it
subside.
Take a sip,
then wait a while
or two
before the view
gets blurrier.

Nothing yet?
Wait for a second longer.
See! See!
The view is getting funnier,
right?
Oh! Oh!
I kind of see double
or maybe even triple,
wait, quadrupole.
I'm getting dizzy.
My body feels mechanical.

CRRRRRRRRRRREEK!
My senses heightens,
the loudness in the silence
makes it real in my head.
Autopilot,
I speak by command.
No control of the happenings,
I do as demand.

Fun innit?
i don't know! i don't know!
i am not me, myself.
It's taken over me,
feel funny,
feel week,
the sick
in my tummy
unbreakable.
Lost my liberty.
who am i?
who- me?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...I'M ON DAILY CHILLI

2009-09-28T20:22:00.011+08:00

I am very happy to announced that i am on dailychilli.com
Do check them both out on The World is His Stage & Hunks
Do vote for me.
Thanks!!!

THIS IS THE PART I GO...CONTRAST FIT

2009-09-27T10:50:00.009+08:00

The black and white,
two extreme contrast
of wrong and right.

Like long nights and days,
the calm moon and hot sun
have never ever meet.

Pitch dark and Shine bright,
like the lost of sight
or clear as light.

But you and i
remains you and i
fused the truth and lie.
We admit- deny
laugh- cry
swim, walk, and even fly.
We live then die
for you
for i.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...ARE WE GOD'S DOLLS?

2009-09-04T22:40:00.011+08:00

Sometimes I get this feeling that we are God's entertainment, his many collection of private drama series he's watching on his flat screen plasma. I imagine him up there relaxing on his clouds of pillows, munching on a large bowl of caramel popcorn and sipping on his bottomless cup of Coke.

Then again, with the introduction of religion into our lives, God is painted as a puppeteer. But, if God wanted the whole world to be the same, then why did he created us so differently from one another in terms of race, gender, talents, and other humanly attributes. If he wanted wanted us to be the same, why didn't he just make us robots? Why did he created human beings instead?

I seriously think religion is used to manipulate human beings into leading what is assumed to be the "ideal" life or a vice used to make sense of our entire existence on this planet. It's funny how in holy books, it is written that God is angry and if we act out on certain things he is not going to forgive us. If that is the case, doesn't that make God human as well? He created us in his image, but that's where it ends. If we were to say that human beings are like God, then doesn't that make us gods too?

The reason I'm writing this post is not because i don't believe in God, rather is it the fact that i don't have faith in the institutions of religion. God is of a higher power, a supreme being, and who knows what He is or isn't since no one has ever met or even have a conversation with Him face to face. Yes, there are holy books believed to contain the words of God. However, if i were to claim that an angel came and spoke to me, then I'd be sent to a mental asylum. My experience wouldn't be included in the New Testament, would it? How fair is it that people of the past get to put their words on paper and they are labeled as prophets but, people of the modern era, like you and I will just be labeled as crazy. We'd need to take the happy pill to chill.

In my opinions, My God is not bias, selfish, rigid or anything like anyone one of us. That is why He is God. I know He knows a lot about me, but i don't know much about Him because of the clammy representation religion has made of Him, makes Him more distorted than clear.

This is the Part I Go...WHERE IS MY HAPPY?

2009-08-30T07:41:00.008+08:00

When a child,
happiness was my family.
Mummy and Daddy
loved me very much,
decided to make me
a sister and 3 brothers
for me to play with
so i'd not be lonely.

When in school,
happiness were
my friends and teacher.
It was often fun and games
during recesses and even at lessons,
the exams, the bell that chimed,
reminds me of those good old carefree days.

When i left home,
happiness were
the music in the air,
pages after pages
of the books i've read,
served not only as nutrients for my brains
but also, my body, heart, and soul.
They were my companions.

So, when i started growing up,
I tried harder and harder
I've searched the highs and lows
to discover my lost treasure.
And after a while,
I though i've finally found it in my work.
Though work was the master keeping me busy
still there wasn't sign of happy.

Now that i've grown up,
standing on a mountain top,
admiring the magnificence beneath me,
The gust of wind that chilled me
suddenly hit me cold and hard
as in that moment of splendor,
I am all alone,
still in search for my happy.

Now i've come to realize
how no man can be an island,
as an island too, are never really really lonely.
They have other neighbouring islands around
to always keep them company.
But, what about me,
the one and only one left alone and lonely,
Where O Where is my Happy?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...I WAS IN A RAID

2009-08-16T04:53:00.007+08:00

What was supposed to be a fun and innocent night turned out to be something else altogether. It was an eye opener nonetheless and a whole new level of experience as i have never been in a raid.

So, it was De, Red, and myself getting our freaks on and strutting our stuff on the dance floor to Beyonce's "One Night Only" when suddenly, i was told by someone that the dance floor was a no smoking zone. So, off i went to the Loo for a wee and resume my smoking on the couch opposite the bar, near the entrance of the club. There i was thinking how unfair that i wasn't allowed to smoke on the floor when i have seen many others doing it. How come those people wasn't told.

As i was huffing and puffing my stick of SKL away, i was contemplating if i should leaving the club as my high spirit was blown off by this "unfairness" that was happening on the dance floor. I was thinking about getting a cab home. After 5 minutes or so, as i turn left, i saw older people, non-queer looking guys and a "tudung" woman carrying small cups and bags. Immediately, i whipped out my phone and text Red saying that there's going to be a raid. Then, the glaring lights in the club we switched on. The music died and there was a booming announcement stating that the police are here.

From where i was sitting, some twinks were trying to get out of the club but they were stopped. Then, i was told to give my IC. I took my my wallet and did what i had to do. The women i mentioned earlier, whom i reckon is with the police force too, was kind. She came to me and asked very politely if i had given my IC. I told her i had. Then, we were all shouted at to move to the dance floor. Once there, i scanned for Red and De and also Aza and his gang. Aza just got back from Penang and it was nice to see him and know that we were together in time of such horror.

As we stood waiting for our names to be called, i started panicking. What happened next was that we were called one by one and some were detained. Details from the ICs were written down on pieces of papers by the officers. Now, this selection of who should and shouldn't be tested for narcotics is just bias. How could the police tell that we are on drugs or not, hence the need to be tested. Therefore, we were judged based on the our appearance. This is so bloody discriminating! What~ Just because i have my piercings and look a tad exotic, makes me a drug addict? This is so unfair. What about those people who are "normal" looking but are actually drug addicts? How many of them have you free then?

Anyway, De was let off the hook and so was Aza and another of his friend. However, Red, another of Aza's friend, and myself were detained to undergo the "pee-in-the-cup"test. I was really freaking out as i was sitting and waiting for them to call out my name to for the test. This was because:

1. A friend of mine was recently dragged to jail because the test were faulty, as he didn't take any drugs and were in lock up for 72 hours. (Read this related article.)

2. There were camera crew filming and i didn't want to end up being infamous when fame hasn't been obtained.

3. I wasn't sure of how they were going to treat us.

4. I just went to the loo a while ago and i don't think i can "go" again.

As i was standing there waiting for my turn, i realized that we were called into groups of 10. In a group of 10, we were given the cup to pee in. Then, we'd have to wait for them to test and once it is done, we were either handcuffed (as the results were positive) or allow to leave the club with our ICs (as the results were negative).

I was beginning to twitch and shiver, as i was waiting in line. My stomach were in notes as if i needed to use the loo because i have swallowed something really toxic. Then, i asked Red if he still has his coupon and he gave them to me so i could get two bottles of mineral water. Without wasting anytime, i finished both. I started feeling the coldness of the club as many of its patrons weren't there. It was really a swirl of emotions playing up causing me to shake involuntarily.

A moment later, i managed to calm myself down. The fear of the unknown was slightly overcame. Then, i was up to pee in the cup. We had to line up to use the loo and when we tinkled, we were not allowed to lock the doors. While waiting to use the cubicle for what's left of my "privacy", a policeman in charge of us asked me if i am a Malaysia and i said "Yes!". He asked my name and asked if i was a Christian. Then, he commented on how good-looking i am, perhaps wondering what on Earth am i doing in a place like that.

When they guy came out, i went in. With my zippers down, nothing came out. You see, i needed privacy to pee and with all that fear and chatter in the background, i couldn't focus. As a result, it look longer than it normally did. After that, i gave the cup to the officer when he called my name and he dip some strips of paper, which i reckon is the acidic or alkaline paper thing we used in our science classes for our armature experiments. Then, the waiting continued.

I started trembling when i saw them putting my IC in an upright position. Before that too, the officer had to check it twice and i was freaking out. When i turned to my left, near the DJ's booth, i can see those who had been tested positive of narcotics. They were handcuffed and squatted. Some wanted to cry, some was too high to cry. The trauma was about to set it and something told me to take out my cigarette casing and light up a fag. The coldness and situation was vehement. When i took the first puff, i managed to regain self-control again. Then, i was called and my results came back negative of any drugs in my system. That was a relief!

Then, i waited for Red and Aza's friend. They too were negative of drugs in their system. What was supposed to be a fun and innocent night turned out to be such a dread. I felt violated and was made as if i were a criminal. They were officers who were rude and some who were nice. They way we were being treated was nothing close to what we deserved. We are humans too just like them. Haven't they study psychology? I mean, one is not guilty until proven guilty, the last time i checked.

So, why are we treated like we have done something wrong? We were not in an illegal club were we? We paid money didn't we for the fun and drinks? We didn't do anything wrong were we? For goodness sake it was a clubbing area. However, why is it that ours was the only club that was raided? What about those near to ours? Did they pay off the officers? Are we discriminated for who we are?

As for the under aged group, they were let off the hook. Can somebody please tell me, what the hell exactly was going on?

THIS IS THE PART I GO...I TATTOOED MY HEART SO IT WON'T EVER BE BROKEN AGAIN

2009-08-15T14:57:00.006+08:00

I tattooed my heart so it won't be broken ever again.

THIS IS THE PART I GO...A WILD CANNON BALL ON THE LOOSE

2009-07-21T23:55:00.014+08:00

I'm tipsy like
a wild canon ball on the loose,
My head is spinning faster than the track record,
Boom. Boom. Boom.
I sip a bit then
take another huge gulp.

Temperature is rising up,
I'm burning hot as ice.
Take a puff and i fly
up up to the sky.
If you have reached the heavens,
this will be thrice that nice.

I feel sweat tricking, invading
my forehead, my face, my chest, my thighs.
T-shirts coming off,
a touch of two or three or even four
as belts unbuckle,
soon I'll be your top.

Light up a joint
for you, and you, and you and me.
Pour another drop of red wine
and i shall lick it all off you.
The tastes electrify, tranquilize
my spirit, my body, my mind, and my soul.

The heat is top,
like the flame burning a candle wick.
Yours are all my muse,
as you inspire my desire to spark satire
the night is too young to expire,
I, am a wild cannon ball on the loose.